Introversion Vs Extroversion

There is a great misunderstanding around the titles of Introverted and Extroverted personalities. If I asked you to name an extroverted person in your life it probably wouldn’t take to long for someone to spring to mind. We all know that person that is ever present and full of life. If I asked you to do the same with naming an introvert that you know, you could probably think of someone but they may be less likely to leap to the forefront of your mind - not surprising? That’s surely the nature of introversion?

Or is it …..?

Things aren’t always as they seem

The way that we define introverts and extroverts is quite misunderstood. Asked to describe a typical extrovert your description may go along the lines of the following:

Outgoing. Lively. Surrounded by friends. Loud. Chatty. Popular. “The all round life and soul of the party.”

Asked to do the same for introversion the list may stereotypically look a little different;

Shy. Retiring. Withdrawn. Studious. Quiet. Standoffish. Insular. “Keeps themselves to themselves” .. And at the far end of the spectrum - serial killer or some form of stalker!

Whilst there are obviously some grounds to these stereotypes the reality of what defines introversion and extroversion is quite different to what people tend to understand. If you met me on a good day you would, based on face value, immediately put me into the first category of extroverted descriptions. I have always worked in roles that require me to put myself out there and, in a group of people socially, I can be as chatty and lively as the next person. I can totally fit into an extrovert skin. But only for a short while and this is where the real difference comes in ..

Don’t make me people for too long

The official definition of categorising between these two personality traits is quite different to what a lot of people believe. As proven by the stereotypes mentioned earlier, it is a common misconception that how you portray yourself outwardly is enough to determine which camp you fall into. Whilst this can, of course, be an indicator it isn’t actually the real definition.

The official trait that defines whether you an introvert or an extrovert is actually where you draw your energy from. A lot of people will declare that their energy either comes from sleep or from the bottom of a good cup of latte but, when you stop and get curious about your patterns of behaviour, you will begin to see that certain situations will drain you much quicker than others.

Ever found yourself disproportionally exhausted at the end of a day and wondered why your internal flow of energy feels so low. Understanding the importance of your extrovert or introvert tendencies can be the key to unlocking the explanation as to why this happens.

Energising your extrovert

Someone with an extrovert personality type will draw their energy from being around people. The buzz of talking, socialising and collaborating with others feeds the energy that they need to create, work, love and live as effectively as possible. On the flip side if you are of an extroverted nature you will find that periods of solitude and lack of social interaction will be draining and leave you feeling flat, tired and lethargic. Your battery recharges from that contact and the opportunities that put you in contact with others. It is important to recognise that experiencing situations that leave you without this social contact on a regular basis will not leave you feeling great as a person.

Inspiring your inner introvert

If, on the other hand, you have an introvert personality your experiences of life will be quite different to that of an extrovert. It is quite possible that you may describe your childhood and potentially adult life as feeling like you’ve been trying to fit a round peg in a square hole. Society has become an extrovert playground and extroversion as a whole is celebrated on a regular basis. Media, schools, workplace,

Unlike extroverts introverts get their energy from quiet time spent alone or in very select small groups. They find being in high energy social situations extremely draining. This can sometimes be to the point that if they experience too many of these situations in a row they can be left exhausted for days afterwards.

Many introverts go through their life not understanding themselves as such and as a result this can leave them frustrated, confused and often angry at themselves. Understanding and embracing your introversion is the first step in healing. It is not a failing, it is not a weakness, it is in no way a character flaw. It is simply the way that you are made up and, in this extroverted world, it is very important that you are kind to yourself and create the space and time that you need to recharge. No matter how much you throw yourself at things you will never become an extrovert, you will simply burn yourself out and be left feeling drained and exhausted. You are perfect as you are. Accepting and treating yourself in the right way will only enrich that.

Just as one car runs on diesel and another on petrol. One is not superior to the other, they both just have different requirements to run at maximum efficiency.

Make sure that you are giving yourself the right fuel to function.

Hannah Ciepiela is a Psychological Life and Executive Coach and Author. Based in Hitchin, Hertfordshire she provides coaching to help and guide clients through transitional and challenging periods in their life.

For more information and testimonials visit www.ehccoaching.com. Facebook. Instagram. Linked IN or call 07940 525792 for an informal chat about whether coaching is the right path for you.
 

Are you sitting comfortably .....

One of the topics that is arising more and more frequently during my client sessions is the importance of recognising your own personal story and how it is affecting your day to day perception and interactions with others. Our stories are formed deep in childhood and during the subsequent years that follow we spend our time looking for evidence that collaborates and affirms our narrative on life. This happens on such a subconscious level we don’t even realise that we are doing it.

The following fictitious example demonstrates how this can play out.

Claire’s Story (Fiction)

The Cast

Claire came from a loving family background. She was supported and nurtured by both parents and on reflection can’t really pin point any major distresses in her life. She is however battling with a lot of conflict in her life, especially in the workplace. She wants to understand why she keeps finding herself at the centre of these situations and what she can do to move forward.

The Beginning

Upon speaking further it transpired that Claire’s mum was quite a fearful woman who had a distrust of people in general. Whilst safe and secure in her own family environment she often relayed tales to her children of examples of how you can’t trust people and that the majority of people aren’t actually particularly pleasant and can in fact be downright rude.

During Claire’s childhood these interactions from her mother didn’t seem to have too much significance or impact but, as she started to venture further into the world, she inevitably began to encounter more experiences and situations that started to affirm her mothers cautionary tales.

As time went on, with her childhood message ringing in her ears, Claire began to build up a defence mechanism against the “unpleasant people” of the world. Instead of running the risk of letting people treat her badly she began a behaviour that she felt protected her from this. It transpired that the majority of the interactions that Claire had were approached by herself with caution. This presented itself to others as Claire bordering on being quite rude. By nature Claire wasn’t a rude person, in fact once you’d got past the initial front she could be warm and caring. The problem was that to get past that front trust had to be built and trust takes time.

The Middle

Over the years Claire’s story of people not being particularly nice had grown and developed nicely and by the time she sought help she was quite convinced that most people were looking for some form of argument with her. The logic of this was that this simply couldn’t be the case. It just wasn’t possible that she was working in the only organisation in the world where everyone is rude and unpleasant.

What Claire had in fact created was a defence mechanism that she thought was serving her well, she was so efficient at it that she wasn’t even aware that she was doing it. From her childhood onward, starting from the tales of her mother, she had subconsciously looked for evidence that what she was taught and believed was true. The irony is that during this process and at the hands of her own behaviour Claire was actually bringing this narrative to life.

The Script

This is how it plays out …..

Claire approaches an interaction cautiously and feeling guarded, why wouldn’t she? People are rude after all. Claire’s approach feels hostile and lacking in warmth to the person that she is approaching, this puts them on the back foot and they proceed with caution. Claire senses this stand off from them, she is after all very good at reading this in people by now. As a form of self preservation she ups her defence. The normally perfectly reasonable colleague now sensing definite hostility puts up their own rarely used defence mechanism. To Claire this is a sure fire sign that yet again she is encountering yet another rude, and unpleasant person.

Yet again her story is confirmed.

People are rude and as such you must approach them with caution and defensiveness.

And so the cycle continues ….

The End

In the safety of a number of coaching sessions exploring this with Claire gave her the opportunity to consider that maybe there was a slim possibility that she could be creating these situations herself. With this in mind experiments were set for Claire to go away and try some different approaches with her colleagues to see what responses she received. None of this was about criticism of her current behaviour, it was merely about getting curious to see whether changing things a bit could get her a different result.

The outcome was, as expected, a positive one and whilst it took a bit of time to regain some relationships Claire quickly noticed that by dialling down her defence the quality of her interactions gradually begin to improve significantly.

The Moral of the Story ….

To a degree we all carry our own story and we will look in any direction that we can to have it confirmed, often ignoring strong evidence to the contrary in order to fulfil our script. Whether it’s low self esteem or a story about others, if we can find a way to confirm it we will. Most of the time we won’t have a clue that we are doing it.

If you have patterns of behaviour that you are struggling to understand working with a Coach or Therapist is a very powerful way to begin to understand and rewrite your story.

Hannah Ciepiela is a Psychological Life and Executive Coach and Author.

Based in Hitchin, Hertfordshire she provides Transformational Coaching to help and guide clients through transitional and challenging periods in their life. For more information and testimonials visit www.ehccoaching.com. Facebook. Instagram. Linked IN or call 07940 525792 for an informal chat about whether coaching is the right path for you.
 

How to Conquer and Rise Above Conflict

 Unless you live in a very remote and blissfully isolated part of the world it is highly likely that at one stage or another of your life you will have encountered conflict. It is often all to easy during these times to become consumed by thoughts of either injustice, revenge or indeed the most personally destructive of all, self doubt and insecurity.  

In order to protect our mental well being learning how to navigate our way through the minefield of conflict and discomfort is critical. No matter how thick your skin is it is natural for unresolved issues to consume your mind space to the point of there being little room left for anything else. In order to avoid this there are a number of different strategies that you may employ, some being considerably more effective than others …

 If I Stay Really Quiet Maybe It Will Just Go Away …

 During my childhood and teens I actively avoided confrontation with a passion. The thought of it made me feel sick to my stomach. It didn’t even have to be my own conflict for it to have that effect on me, other people’s conflict that I had absolutely no involvement in at all could still leave me paralysed with fear. 

If, like me, you find that you have a similar reaction to conflict it is a very instinctive response to bury your head in the sand and try to pretend that it’s not happening at all.  Surely if you keep your head down there long enough and ignore it it’ll all pass and you can emerge again, albeit with some sand in your eyes?

Unfortunately this is very rarely the case and whilst you are there, head buried deep in denial you are, believe it or not, actually missing some amazing opportunities for growth, learning and empowerment. I know, it’s hard to feel this when you are in the midst of it and it is entirely natural, when faced with discomfort, to go to the quickest place of security and just pretend it’s not happening.

But it is.

It’s happening and it’s happening for a reason and the sooner that is explored and confronted the sooner you can restore some level of peace of mind again. Whilst hiding from it all and being in denial is a quick fix you will always still be aware that the main issue and cause of conflict is stomping around on the ground above your head.  As much as you try to ignore it this knowledge will without fail be creating unease within you.

 All In The Mind

 We’ve all done it. As this method involves the healthy step of actually acknowledging that the issue exists it is definitely a slightly more evolved method to the above technique of pretending it’s not actually happening at all. Unfortunately though it also involves coming to the conclusion that by repeatedly playing out the role of not only yourself but also the other person involved and arguing out different variations of what you might both say in your head you will somehow find resolution and peace of mind.

Surely having 15 internal variations of an argument in your mind whilst taking a shower couldn’t fail to resolve the conflict that you are faced with?

I mean of course, how could it not?

 When put like this it sounds like highly irrational behaviour. There is however actually some method to this madness.  Your brain has an amazing way of processing the events in your life and one of its main functions is to sort and file information and events into categories. It is a survival technique that ensures our minds retain more space for the important things in life and don’t become overloaded with irrelevant nonsense.

In order for it to achieve this it needs to create a complete circuit. The mind hates unresolved situations so if you are not directly facing the issue head on then it will continue to keep churning it round and round until it can complete the loop and work out which department in the brain it needs to file it in. Whilst there is sense to this process there is also, unfortunately, the potential of sending you into a spiral of being completely consumed by the situation for a much longer period of time than is necessary.

Another more obvious down side to this method is that you are also left with one party of the conflict completely oblivious that they have been indirectly involved in a four day sparring contest inside your mind. You will have undoubtedly have won the battle inside your head but unless the other person is actually involved it is all a slightly futile victory.

 Walking In Another Man’s Shoes – even if they don’t fit

 The above ways of approaching conflict are definitely two of the more common but have you ever considered taking the more unusual step of stepping out of the situation and attempting to view it from the other persons point of view? This option takes a bit of digging deep into your pride but is invaluable when trying to form a well rounded adult resolution to a situation.

Every disagreement has two sides. Of course from where you are standing yours will always be the right one. Strangely enough though you may well find that the other party feels just as justified in their conviction of being right. Bizarre huh?!

It is for this very reason that it is highly unlikely that there is one totally innocent and wronged party in all of this. Invariably most conflicts are caused by a breakdown in communication and one or other party creating their own narrative to fill in the gaps that are missing. One sided argument in your head anyone?

We all view life through our own lens. How one person views a situation will be influenced from experiences that could very well have been formed as early as childhood and will potentially create a completely different take on a situation than someone else. It’s what makes us unique and keeps the world a wonderful and colourful place. If we all had the same take on things it would all be very boring.

 The art of viewing a conflict situation from the other parties perspective is an acquired skill but one that can be very beneficial towards quick resolution or at least dilution of a situation.  No one even knows that you’ve tried to do it, just for a moment though try to pretend that you are the other person and attempt to see their take on things. Even if you don’t agree with it it’s worth just taking a peek to see whether it gives you any perspective on the situation.

Healthy but only in very small doses

A degree of conflict in life is unavoidable and on occasion a healthy thing but when it becomes something that consumes you and you can’t let it go then it is definitely time to find a coping strategy that works for you.

As the famous saying goes -

“Holding on to anger is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die ”

— Unknown

Hannah Ciepiela is a Psychological Life and Executive Coach and Author. Based in Hitchin, Hertfordshire she provides Transformational Coaching to help and guide clients through transitional and challenging periods in their life. For more information and testimonials visit www.ehccoaching.com. Facebook. Instagram. Linked IN or call 07940 525792 for an informal chat about whether coaching is the right path for you.
 

Why Making Mistakes When You're Learning is So Important

Recently I’ve found myself reading a number of study books on various subjects. I’ve enjoyed reading them, I’ve found the content stimulating, I’ve even dutifully written notes as I’ve gone along (any excuse to fill a notebook so that I can buy a new one, any other stationary addicts out there?). But despite all of this if you were to ask me to give you a detailed description of the content of what I’d actually read I would really struggle to reliably recall the majority of it.

Why is nothing sinking in ?

I’ve found this block on retaining information both interesting and frustrating in equal measure. As I advise my clients to spend time getting curious rather than disheartened I decided to get proactive and see whether this was something that other people were also struggling with. Turns out it is and not only do other people experience this its’ actually surprisingly common. You see it’s partly to do with the method of learning but more importantly more to do with what you do with the information straight after learning it.

Find a partner …

If you’ve ever found yourself in a work shop or team building exercise and have felt yourself breaking out into a cold sweat at the words “ Now, based on what you’ve learnt, I’d like you to find a partner for a group role playing exercise …” then I’m afraid these findings aren’t going to be good news for you.

Research states that according to a concept developed in the 1960’s by the NTL Institute called the Learning Pyramid our resources and learning time is often wasted. Take a look at the figures below and you’ll see why.

The Learning Pyramid

Learners retain approximately the following

5% of what they learn from lecture.

10 % of what they learn from reading study.

20 % of what they learn from audio-visual.

30 % of what they see in a demonstration.

50 % of what they learn when partaking in a group discussion.

75 % of what they learn when they put it into practice. Role play anyone?

90% of what they learn when they teach someone else or use the information

immediately.

Interesting statistics.

So why is this the case ? Why is teaching someone else or implementing learning into action straight away so beneficial over purely receiving read or spoken information?

Mother knows best

It transpires that this is actually down to something that we often had drummed into us as children. If you’ve ever had a parent or slightly judgemental friend say the immortal words “ You go ahead. You’ll learn from your mistakes ..” they weren’t actually far off the mark. When we read or receive information verbally our mind may think that we’ve heard it correctly but it is always open to interpretation, it’s not until you try to implement or teach the concept that you learn how far removed your interpretation is. This then provides your brain with complete information which makes it 90% more likely to be retained than just an interpretation of what you have read. You may think you have it sussed from listening or reading but until you put it into practice, make mistakes and correct yourself the brain doesn’t really take ownership of the information.

Share your wisdom

So the next time we need to learn and retain important and necessary information how do we apply this? One of the ways of going from retaining 5% of what you’ve read to 90% is to talk to the people in your life about it. Explain what you’ve read, practise some of the methods on them and explore how many times you make a mistake and need to refer back to the original document. Not only are you helping your own learning process but you are also passing on information of interest to others.

Another way of doing this is to write a short article about the subject you’ve read based on your own interpretation. Once this is done refer back to see how close you were to the original theory. Correct yourself where necessary and recognise the mistakes to help your brain to own the information that it has learnt.

Try, try and try again

The resistance to being willing to make mistakes is one of the very reasons that so many people find themselves stuck in an ever decreasing circle of lack of progression in their life. They refuse to make the mistakes for fear of ridicule or because they are full of self doubt so therefore never learn and move forward. It’s a natural place to be to want to stay in your zone of comfort but next time you find yourself wanting to sit quietly at the back of a lecture hall or just read a book with no other interaction just remember that by pushing yourself into a place of slight discomfort where you make and learn from your mistakes you are actually increasing your learning resource by up to 85% . If you are going to invest the time learning surely it’s worth going that extra mile and ensuring that the information actually instills itself for long term benefit?

Practice what you preach

As a footnote to this blog piece I actually wrote this article ten minutes after learning about the Learning Pyramid and can confirm that it has definitely reinforced my knowledge on the subject! I am now off to find an unwitting member of my family to tell them all about it ….

Hannah Ciepiela is a Psychological Life and Executive Coach and Author. Based in Hitchin, Hertfordshire she provides Transformational Coaching to help and guide clients through transitional and challenging periods in their life. For more information and testimonials visit www.ehccoaching.com. Facebook. Instagram. Linked IN or call 07940 525792 for an informal chat about whether coaching is the right path for you.
 

The Gift of PMS

As I sit and type the tears roll down my cheeks. Great heaving sobs leave my body. Four days ago I was as happy as I could’ve been and yet today I sit here a broken shell of a woman. Nothing has happened, my life is exactly the same as it was all those four days ago. No major disasters have occurred, no life changing losses. I am still blessed with three beautiful children, one shaggy dog, a warm cosy home and a flexible well paid job.

The only difference is that, yet again, the Hyde to my Jekyll has risen it’s ugly head one more soul destroying time.

Every month the same.

Some months it will be crying based, some months it will be irrational yelling.  More often than not though it’ll be a potent and noxious cocktail of the two. The one thing that can be guaranteed is that it will, without fail, always be laced with a heavy dose of self-doubt, loathing and anxiety.

 The prelude to this one particular crying episode was the simple event of a glass jar of peanut butter smashing after being being dropped on the floor. This event occurred just one single day after smashing a glass and throwing a cereal bowl down the stairs. None of these events were intentional you understand. All were caused by my premenstrual inability to actually hold things in my hands like a normal human being.  Not only does my brain turn against me during this time my hands appear to have now chosen to join in the fun as well.

“What is wrong with me?” are the first words to run through my mind.

This is typically the opening gambit to the monthly Self Destructive Pity Party. Other familiar and regular guests swiftly join in …..

 Miss Bad Mother starts proceedings -

“ Now the children have no peanut butter – you’ve well and truly failed them.”

 Master Crap Dog Owner has his own opinions -

“ No doubt you’ll miss a bit of glass when clearing up and the poor dog will be maimed for life”

 Mr Suck at Life leaps at this opportunity to inform me -

“ You didn’t renew his insurance did you ?? This will cost you. You’ll probably have to remortgage. Worse still you’ll have to sell a child” Miss Bad Mother rubs her hands with glee at the thought of a failing on this level.

 Sir No one Likes You pitches in -

“ Who wants to be friends with someone so clumsy. Look at the disgust and disappointment in the dogs eyes, even he thinks you’re a hot mess”

 Meanwhile Mistress Rubbish Housekeeper has spotted something ominous under the washing machine -

“ Is that furry thing under there the half eaten pizza crust that we mysteriously lost 3 weeks ago?”

 These guests, along with others, tend to accompany me for at least ten days of the month every month. That’s a third of the month. That’s 120 days of the year. That’s the grand total of 3600 days since I started adolescence.  3600 days that I have lost to feeling fearful, wracked with social anxiety and insecure.

That’s a lot of life.

 During this time I find being in social situations incredibly hard, I become an apology of my 20 days of the month self. The desire to hide behind locked doors until the madness has passed is overwhelming. The need to wrap a duvet around the feelings and smother them in a smog of sleep is intense. To create a big fluffy protective wall of duvet fortress protection for not only me but also to protect the poor innocent people who have no choice but to endure me during this premenstrual distortion. 

My poor children, the ones that I have to sincerely apologise to at the end of each day for being a snappy version of their normally fun, kind and loving mother. My poor friends who, in the best half of my month I make wonderful well intentioned plans with only for the event to come around falling slap bang in the middle of my period of complete inability. Another poor and feeble excuse has to be created for my lack of attendance at an event that I was previously so looking forward to.

It is like a prison that releases you on parole one month only to drag you back in kicking and screaming the next. You know what’s coming. You know the darkness that is about to descend but you can do little to stop yourself  becoming cornered by it yet again.

There are of course things that you can try to help release its hold on you. I’ve tried exercising my way out of it, medicating my way free, bathing in various potent herbal concoctions of desperation,  drinking milk from organic pink toed Himalayan Goats milked at midnight under a full moon.

You name it, I’ve tried it.

Despite embarking on all these methods with gusto and hope little has worked and like a familiar foe every single month we reacquaint ourselves. The black dog that comes and settles at my feet. From the outside looking in it appears tame enough, I continue to succeed at work, the children still get fed, albeit not peanut butter this month. The inner fear, weight and despair that it brings with it, however, has without doubt dictated the majority of my life and relationships.

It’s for this very reason that I thank it. Not right now because right now I still have irrational tears rolling down my face but I do. I truly thank it. It has provided me with an insight into a very dark place but fortunately one that I inhabit for only a maximum of ten days of the month. Like some form of diluted Bi Polar it ebbs and flows teaching me the stark contrast between the radiant joy of life and the dark treacly anguish of the lows.

It is a lesson that has helped me considerable in my career as a Coach and in my role as a Samaritan. It has aided my empathy towards friends who are trapped in the despair of depression, those who don’t have the luxury of knowing that the end is, at most, ten days away. For me they are dark days when they are here but without doubt they are the days that I have learnt some of the most valuable lessons of my life. They have carved a core of strength in me that without them I just wouldn’t have.

If I have to stop and look the beast in the face, rather than do it with fear and regret for all it has taken, I choose to do it with thanks and gratitude for all that it has taught me.

Hannah Ciepiela is a Psychological Life and Executive Coach and Author. Based in Hitchin, Hertfordshire she provides Transformational Coaching to help and guide clients through transitional and challenging periods in their life. For more information and testimonials visit www.ehccoaching.com. Facebook. Instagram. Linked IN or call 07940 525792 for an informal chat.